Where Did I Come From? My Christian Journey.

Faith is a fickle flower. Sometimes, she is strong; other times she is weak. She must be cared for, tenderly nurtured, fortified, and pruned. And should you neglect to water her, she withers and fades. She is a difficult thing to care for, not as simple as she claims. She tells you her burden is light, easy to carry. Then why are we being crushed?

My name is Brandi. Let me tell you my story, but briefly. I do not wish to bore you. And there are other things I wish to discuss. I am still young, still learning and growing. Here is where I have come from; the line between points "a" and "b."

I became a Christian when I was 8 years old. I did not know what that would mean to me for the rest of my life. I had no idea how it would shape and alter my reality. But there I was, alone in the living room, kneeling beside the couch and asking Jesus to forgive my sins; surrendering myself to him, asking him to be my savior. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and joy. Tears streamed down my face. I ran upstairs and told my father I had been saved, and he was so proud of me.

I had spent the last few weeks reading "Chick Tracts," you see. There are problems with those tracts, I know. I came to see it myself, even as a Christian. But we cannot deny that many have a straightforward Gospel message. Conspiracy theories and kooky info aside, even a child can see the Gospel in them. And God is more powerful than the foolishness of men.

My collection

So there I was, saved! And I hungered for more knowledge, more growth. We attended church regularly then, my father, step mother, and I, New Hope Christian Church in Swansea, MA. There was a time when I liked to sit in the youth group, but I soon preferred learning with the rest of the congregation. I enjoyed the bulk of the message. It was more detailed and intricate. I learned more and grew.

I collected tracts, books, anything that would bolster my faith and provide me with greater knowledge. I spent hours online, plundering information and debating in forums. I was very interested in apologetics and evangelism, seeking to learn and converse about faith whenever I had the opportunity.

I was little older than 12.

I was in high school when my faith faced stormy waters. Our family no longer attended church, and I was suddenly flung into adolescence. I discovered that my peers did not share my zeal for God, and I was in a position where I needed to defend myself and my faith in a very hostile environment.

But I always prayed. I read my Bible, and my materials. I left tracts around the school, and tried to share the Gospel with others.

When I was 18, I discovered Ray Comfort and The Way of the Master. This resource changed the way I viewed myself, my faith, and evangelism. I started questioning the nature of my salvation and the idea of repentance. If the church had changed the message and nature of evangelism, then I wanted to understand the Biblical way. I started studying the Bible in light of these methods.

It was not until I entered college that I faced a period of true turmoil. Many things changed. I was living away from home in a place of diverse views and divergent thoughts. I was no longer secure in my own little bubble, and my mind was struck with terrible disequilibrium.

My every thought in life had been in the light and context of God's existence, and the truth of the Bible. How could it be wrong, when I knew it was so right? I had always known it was true. Of course there is a God. But is there, really? All of these people, so many of them will be condemned to hell. How could this be possible? But, then again, don't we all deserve this? Is there really an afterlife?

I struggled, isolated from anyone that could help me. My mind was perplexed, and there was no other mind to plug into, no one there who had more information, who could reinforce my faith.

I was very alone.

I wanted to go before God with everything, but my sinful, back-slidden self fought against this. I was ashamed for ever doubting and falling into sin. So, so ashamed. And if I went before God, I would be reaffirmed, readjusted, rebooted. My life would change, and I was afraid I would not be able to do it, to run the race, to put my hand to the plow and never look back.

At the time, I was rooming with the girl who became my best friend. She was Catholic, participating in the customs of the church. I wanted to talk to her. I knew Jesus. I knew things she needed to know. But I looked at myself; such a hypocrite! How can I reach out to her and talk to her about sin and salvation when I am such a sinner myself? Cussing, drinking, smoking; clearly I was not a Christian.

Every day I thought about it until I finally gave in. I was broken. I fell on the floor, alone again, and cried out to God. Such a difficult thing it was to do! Like wanting to jump into the water, but fearing it may freeze or sear your body.

I cried out in shame, in pain, for mercy. I had been wicked, so evil, for falling away, for ever doubting. I had been such a bad example, destroying my testimony. I apologized and begged God to forgive me. I loved Him. I wanted to please Him. I wanted Him to make me like His son. I told Him, "I cannot do this alone. I can't do this unless you carry me. I am weak. I am pathetic. I can't do this. Please save me. You have to do it for me. I am like a stupid sheep, not knowing where to go. If I wander, guide me back. You are the Good Shepherd. Do not let me go astray. Because if I fall away again, I will not be able to come back."

Oh, the peace and joy! New tears on my face, I called my father and told him what happened, told him that God had a plan for him, despite the circumstances that he was facing. He had been driving home from work, and pulled over to listen. He had just been thinking about this on the way home, worrying about losing his house, and doubting God. It was just what he needed to hear to give him hope. We took it as a sign from God. He is there for us, even in the worst times. Do not lose faith.

I left that room a new girl! I had a fresh, clean slate! I stopped drinking and smoking. I threw away anything that caused me to sin, or anything that could cause others to stumble. My favorite books and DVDs, my cherished comic collections; anything that I put before God, anything that was an idol had to go.

Because I didn't want idols. I wanted Jesus.

Things would be right this time. God will sanctify me! I am filled with the Holy Spirit! And I know that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, will be able to separate me from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus my Lord!

God Takes Shape

That summer, I went home and began studying my Bible like I never had before, reading both the Old and New Testament. My perception of reality began to change, and the character and nature of God started to take shape in my mind.

Some of my materials

I started listening to Pirate Christian Radio (PCR), and networked with Christians on the internet in order to maintain fellowship. During this time, understanding the Bible became of critical importance to me. My Christian walk was marked by 3 "goals":

1. To know God, as He has revealed Himself, and not as I wish Him to be. This was not to be achieved through my limited human experience, knowledge, or emotions, but through what He has revealed of Himself in the Bible.

2. To be more like Christ, walking in sanctification, knowing that "it is finished."

3. To reach the lost while in fellowship with other believers.

I had never truly been part of a community of Christian friends. Of course, I went to church when I was a child, but I did not have a single Christian friend who shared my passion and zeal.

I decided to join Campus Crusade for Christ (CRU) when I returned to college in the Fall. I quickly became established and made a few close friends and many other acquaintances. During that school year, I went on the Fall retreat, participated in the Boston Winter Conference, and went on Big Break in Florida. The later two of these conferences were evangelistic in nature. We went out into the community, the streets, and beaches and shared our faith with others.

I attended CRU regularly my Sophomore year, and started going to Vita Nova church. During my Junior year, I stopped attending CRU, and attended church more often.

It was also during my Junior year that I started calling myself a Calvinist. There are several reasons why I landed here. But again, I do not wish to bore you. When I was a Christian, I created a blog which can be viewed here. I created a post about my journey into Calvinism, for those interested. You can also listen here:



Why is this important? I started calling myself a Calvinist because the Bible changed my perception of God. In this way, I discovered that my beliefs had largely fallen in line with Calvinism, or "Reformed Theology." In summary, I came to understand that faith is an act of God's will and purpose. God is sovereign and I am not. My salvation was an act of God, and not my own choosing. It is God who predestines, justifies, and glorifies, and no act of man can change this. (Rom 8:28-30)

I inundated myself in this theology, loving God's sovereign grace and the 5 solae of the Reformation. I was discerning, reading and re-reading my Bible. And then reading it again. I could see Christ, the themes, the context. I was zealous for the Gospel. I loved it. I loved Christ. He was my hope and freedom from sin and death!

I began listening to The Dividing Line, and loved the new insights I received from James White and other reformed speakers. I looked up to him. He is a brilliant theologian. He has done countless debates, several of which I have listened to. I enjoyed these types of programs, mostly from what I was learning from them. It allowed me to feel connected to other Christians. I also appreciated the way James White, and others like him, would hold Christians to a high standard of consistency, correcting the mistakes and errors of others, and warning us of deception in the church. I would download his Podcast and listen to it every day; walking to work at 4am, while I was around the campus, eating lunch, or just relaxing with a game of Mahjong. I learned a lot about Reformed theology, God, and many contemporary issues in the church.

But the most important thing I learned while listening to this program was to ask questions, questions of my self and my own beliefs.

I learned that double-standards are the tell-tale sign of a failed argument. I learned that I should be consistent, that consistency is honest. This is part of why I started calling myself a Calvinist. I believed the Bible to be consistent. And it should be, if God is its author.

I started criticizing Christianity, and holding it to the same degree of scrutiny I used to judge other beliefs, religions, and faiths. I started allowing myself to ask certain questions that I had been suppressing. And I knew there would be answers, adequate answers, consistent answers, because Christianity is the truth.

So really, I should be able to ask any questions. And ask I did.

I entered my senior year of college, and my faith was under a lot of stress. I was having some difficulty with a family member, and suffering from certain sins. My conscience was plagued by the idea of my own sinfulness and my inadequacy before God. I felt like a failure, impure and abhorrent. I knew that Jesus saved me, that He did all the work, but I felt like I was in the gutter, alone again.

I remember praying constantly, on my knees after my room mate had gone to sleep. And if I needed to pray and had no where to go, I would find a quiet spot to kneel and pray; by the campus center, in the library, beneath the Student Union, beside the green houses, at night, during the winter...

I joined a group at church called Redemption Group, for those who suffer from addictions or trauma. This group was not a place to be "fixed," but a place where we could share our brokenness and remind each other to look to the cross. We met weekly, and I was part of this group for a semester, where we read through the book Redemption.

In this group, my faith was challenged. I listened to horror stories from girls who had suffered from unspeakable kinds of abuse. Consequently, we were struggling with the idea of God, and desperately trying to hang on to anything we could in order to keep going. We kept little journals of our thoughts, notes, and prayers. We tried to build up one another.

I ended up leaving. I graduated and returned home. Still, I tried to hold on to my faith. I studied my Bible, listened to Podcasts. I wanted to fellowship with other Christians, but I did not have a car. I was walking to work at this point. I had many Christian friends on Facebook who shared my convictions. I also joined a chat channel that Alpha and Omega ministries facilitates. I was active in the channel for about a month in the summer of 2012.

This was about the time I really had questions, questions that needed answering. Issues that I had allowed myself to skim over began to reemerge. Questions such as,

"Why does God allow multiple wives and concubines in the Old Testament, but says that marriage is between one man and one woman in the New Testament?"

The answer was essentially, "God can do whatever He wants. God can change things however He wants according to His purposes."

This did not seem like an adequate answer. It wasn't an unsatisfying answer. It just didn't stack up. It seemed as though the only reason this change occurred was because the culture changed. Did morality change? Can morality change with context? Is morality absolute?

More questions arise.

The God Who Mandates War, Rape, and Slavery

I passed over the concubine issue. I had a more pressing concern. It had always bothered me, but I pushed it away, told myself that I didn't understand what God was doing here, but He is always good.

God is always good.

Is He?

My perspective had become broader, and I felt greater empathy for others. I could no longer ignore apathy, or excuse it.

I remember how disturbing it was to come to passages in the Bible about the rape of virgin girls. Just like other material possessions, like land, cattle, and fine cloth, girls are the spoils of war. And in some instances so are other people. This was a common practice in ancient cultures, so when I open a history book I expect to see this. But it does not diminish how disturbing it is.

Isn't it always immoral to kill a baby? To plunder a city? To rape a virgin?

Not when God mandates it. God can do whatever He pleases, and He is always good.

But is He? Because I have to say that? Because He says He is?

When you draw near to a city to fight against it, offer terms of peace to it. And if it responds to you peaceably and it opens to you, then all the people who are found in it shall do forced labor for you and shall serve you. But if it makes no peace with you, but makes war against you, then you shall besiege it. And when the Lord your God gives it into your hand, you shall put all its males to the sword, but the women and the little ones, the livestock, and everything else in the city, all its spoil, you shall take as plunder for yourselves. And you shall enjoy the spoil of your enemies, which the Lord your God has given you. (Deut 20:10-14 ESV emphasis added)

Here, God pours his wrath out on sinful, wicked people. He has the right to judge them however He would like. He's in charge. He can use slavery and rape to punish people. Right?

And Moses was angry with the officers of the army, the commanders of thousands and the commanders of hundreds, who had come from service in the war. Moses said to them, “Have you let all the women live? Behold, these, on Balaam's advice, caused the people of Israel to act treacherously against the Lord in the incident of Peor, and so the plague came among the congregation of the Lord. Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man by lying with him. But all the young girls who have not known man by lying with him keep alive for yourselves. (Num 31:14-18 ESV emphasis added)

Here, Moses commands, I am assuming with God's authority, his officers to slaughter every man, woman, and child. I envision this scene. Mothers and fathers slaughtered, an entire city in ruin. The young girls watching as their family and neighbors are destroyed by invaders. And they are snatched up, and given to the men as spoils. Is this merciful? Holy? Just? Good? I cannot explain how it is. I can no longer see it. I can no longer excuse it. I consider it evil in any other context. Were I to evaluate this scenario in any other place, time, or religion, I would consider it evil. How, then, can it not be evil here?

If a man meets a virgin who is not betrothed, and seizes her and lies with her, and they are found, then the man who lay with her shall give to the father of the young woman fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife, because he has violated her. He may not divorce her all his days. (Deut 22:28-29 ESV) 

A girl who is raped and forced to marry her rapist? Is this just? What of the girl? She is trapped in a culture where she is valued for her virginity and ability to produce offspring. But was it not God who invented these ideals, who encouraged such practices? And if we consider such a practice horrific today, how could it not be horrific centuries ago? Have women changed so much? Has rape changed? Shouldn't a transcendent, all knowing, omnipotent God know better? Men don't know better. Men would invent a system like this. Ignorant men. But surely, God knows better...

Out of the window she peered, the mother of Sisera wailed through the lattice "Why is his chariot so long in coming? Why tarry the hoofbeats of his chariots?" Her wisest princesses answer, indeed, she answers herself, "Have they not found and divided the spoil?—A womb or two for every man; spoil of dyed materials for Sisera, spoil of dyed materials embroidered, two pieces of dyed work embroidered for the neck as spoil?’ “So may all your enemies perish, O Lord! But your friends be like the sun as he rises in his might."

And the land had rest for forty years. (Judges 5:28-31 ESV emphasis added)

What a beautiful scene, Israel triumphant. And why do the men tarry? Well, they are dividing the women of course. A womb or two for each of you. A womb. Some translations say woman. But we know why they divide the girls. To satisfy the needs of their sex, and to produce offspring. Does a God mandate these things? Or do men?

How do God's attributes stack up? How is God consistent?

I hear those women in the Redemption group. I remember their stories, how they turned my stomach, made me sick. The pain they felt. I recall the apathetic men who violated them.

What should I have learned from these women? That rape can be good?

How can I call one who mandates such a thing "good?"

I consider my past. All the pain those women went through, and our struggles. Christians sit together, mulling over their sins and imperfections, learning as much as they can from their Bibles and one another. Why?

To psychologically work through their problems.

We are told we are indwelt by the Holy Spirit. Then why do I struggle when I am away from my brothers and sisters? Why do I continually need to bolster and fortify this structure in my mind?

Our faith is like a plant that must be continually watered, or else it dries up. It wilts, it fades. How can this be so, if our faith and salvation are secured by God? How can this be so if we are indwelt by God Himself? Why would he make us play mind games?

Mind games. Our perception of our world, our selves, our God, it changes. It develops as we learn. We look at our country. So many Christians! So many different perceptions of God.

In Campus Crusade, I often asked questions, often challenged my peers, even the staff. Why do we evangelize this way, when it is contrary to Scripture? Why do we talk about redemption, salvation, and God's wonderful plan for our lives, and leave out God's wrath against the wicked? You cannot speak of the cross of Christ without speaking of the damnation of the unrepentant and unbelieving.

But we all got together, sang songs, clapped our hands. It was a joyous occasion. But I always worried. I always knew. These people, their perception of God is very different from mine. There are things they haven't seen, things they don't know. And so, we see many gods in the minds of people.

I was outspoken, criticizing movements and people in the church that undermined the Gospel for the sake of growth or profit. False prophets, con-men, the televangelists, I couldn't stand them. I responded to them whenever I could and challenged other Christians to do the same. But so many of my peers in CRU simply trusted whatever fad came their way. There were no alarm bells going off, there was no discernment. Why? Because they did not know to always be wary. This is something that was cultivated in myself. This was something that I was passionate about, along with pockets of other Christians. But there were too few responding to the corruption in the church.

So many of my friends and acquaintances were innocent, not knowing that danger lurks even in their churches. And how do you discern it? Simply listen to the message, compare it to the Bible, and look for the fruit of the Spirit. So many of these Christians are far too trusting. But this is because they do not know to be wary. Their perception of reality--their worldview, the idea of who God is and what a church should be like-- is informed only by how much they know and what they have experienced. It is not willful ignorance. But it is ignorance. So faith becomes a mind game.

How much do you know? How much have you learned? Where were you raised? How were you raised? What have you experienced? So shapes your God.

The Christian Response

I have considered myself free since July of this year. I am still adjusting myself and reshaping my world view.

My only source of truth used to be the bible. Everything in the world was interpreted through its glass. I now have the freedom to evaluate life and the world using everything I have read, heard, and experienced.

It seems that many people want reality to be perfectly ordered. They want simple solutions. I used to be the same way. I used to try to justify the abhorrent actions of men, claiming that god can do as he pleases. But I have come to understand knowledge, truth, and morality as something that unfolds and builds upon itself. It is not simple, and it does not have one foundation or author who can give us quick and easy answers.

People are complex, as are situations and problems. I have continually encountered Christians who challenge me on the basis of morality. How can I say anything is immoral, or true, without this god? How can I say anything is moral without an absolute foundation for morality?

The problem is presented as if Christians have this absolute authority. They consider this authority their god, as he has revealed himself in the bible. The problem with this argument is that the bible presents an inconsistent and developing picture of morality. Christians need to defend their bible while abandoning their own moral compass. So when asked questions about slavery and rape in the bible, I receive responses like this one:

Actually, I have come to understand, looking at the full context of scripture, that the Israelites were incapable of following god's commands, (unless they were commanded to do something that satisfied their immoral nature, like waging war, stealing vineyards, and raping girls). They were so incapable that countless prophets needed to be sent to call them to repentance. They were so sinful, rebellious, and wicked that they could not be left alone for 40 days at the base of a mountain without falling into hedonistic revelry and fashioning a golden calf, even after witnessing god's supposed miracles in Egypt. So really, I have no reason to believe that men who sack and pillage cities will take good care of little virgin girls. To believe that these girls would be loved and taken care of is to portray this circumstance in an unbelievably optimistic light. It is so optimistic that the bible would have to read like fiction.

But that still isn't the point. We are talking about the slaughter of people, of babies, and the raping of girls. But this is justifiable to certain people. It has to be. In any other context, it is monstrous. Well, at least those women were grafted into the covenant...maybe. We can't be sure. How merciful. And of course, "the taking of the women from the sacked cities," or, better phrased, "the raping of women from the sacked cities," brings god glory.

The worst part of this? It stifles our ability to feel empathy. When confronted with these kinds of stories, which Christians believe actually happened, the response is one of almost complete apathy. The victims in these stories are so far away from us in proximity in time and space that our mind glosses over what is actually happening. We look at a scene where men, women, and babies are being slaughtered and enslaved, a scene where girls are being given to soldiers to be raped, and we say "god is good," "praise god," "to god be the glory."

What sort of god glories in such things??

Here is another response to my questions:



"It would be perfectly just for God to have [children] killed," because, "they were already sinful." "They took wives maybe by force...but they later fell in love with their husbands."

How twisted we have to make our way of thinking, to water this plant that is faith. How quickly we abandon our moral compass to defend what we find abhorrent, to try to make this world view consistent.

And all along, it is men claiming to have the authority of god to say and do such things. It is men who herald this meta-physical entity, a god who exists in the mind. A god both merciful and wrathful, blessing us with prosperity and cursing us with poverty, raising us up and bringing us low. But we can take comfort in knowing he is always there, that there is always a plan.

The god who brings peace and comfort, no matter our circumstances. A god who gives purpose to any and all events. A god of fate.

A god in our imagination.

My Present Self

My belief was my whole identity. This god, the gospel, the bible, I loved them dearly, held them so close to my heart. This was my final prayer to god, written in my little journal from the Redemption group:

I want to grow closer to you and know you more each day. I want to live like Christ did with your will and purposes in mind. I want to trust you in all things and be anxious for nothing. Please take my shame and remind me that I am your child. Take my anger, my hatred, my confusion, impatience, lust, perversion, guilt, and shame and replace them all with yourself.

It is painful to re-read these things. The heart behind them was so desperate. What a pitiful creature I am, I was.

I hope my story was not too lengthy. It is beyond the scope and purpose of this site to give a detailed account of each step in my time line. I only wished to lay out my history, in summary. Now that I no longer share their faith, I am often faced with Christians who deny my past existence. If you leave the faith, I am told, then you never truly believed, or understood, or knew god. I wanted to establish that there is, in fact, a line between point "a" and point "b." I did have faith, and as time went on, I came to understand reality differently. I also wanted to touch upon the various ministries that informed my faith so that people can look into my background.

It is not my intention to convince Christians that they are wrong, nor do I believe this site serves to build a strong case against Christianity.

My purpose is for you, my dear friend, to not feel alone in your struggles and doubts.

Let your mind be unbalanced. Let it be flung into a world of endless possibilities! Let it be unhinged, uncaged, and as free as it can be. Follow the white rabbit until you find your place of equilibration.

I want you to understand one thing, and it is that when you kneel and pray, you are only talking to yourself. No matter your perception of who is there. It is you, beloved. There is no one else there who is going to hear you. There is no one else there to answer you. That is why you answer yourself, in your own heart. That is why everyone has a different deity, and each deity tells them their own secrets.

Imagination holds the keys to secret knowledge. And that is your god.

That is our god.